How I Came To Shiznit

by The Alien Guy

I am not a native of the planet called Shiznit. As a matter of fact, no person or animal or insect or any bacteria that can be classed as "animal" as opposed to "plant" life evolved on Shiznit. It is a planet which originally was exclusively "Club Veggie".

I was born far far away, but everything is far, far away out in space, in case you haven't noticed. I guess that is why they call it 'space' because there is a lot of 'space' between things out there. I was born on the planet they called Anykey. I say, "called" in the past tense because it no longer exists out there. But it will always exist in my heart as my home.

Believe it or not, the plants had the Internet way before animals or people discovered it. That is how they manage to communicate with each other since they can't get out and go visit each other. It all began with the intertwining of their root systems down in the ground. So now, all the plants on Shiznit are connected to one another by their own Internet.

When I was just a baby, my home planet of Anykey had become deeply in debt and about to become bankrupt to the point of oblivion. So my parents wrapped me in a red and blue blanket and placed me in a tiny little rocket ship along with the last of their money and shot me off into space. The little rocket landed on Shiznit, where I now call home along with all those other guys that were shot off into space by their parents.

I was the first to arrive and was raised by some nice plants who educated me and taught me to stay away from the bad plants that hated anything that was different from them, especially animals. And when the other babies started arriving in their little rocket ships wrapped in their red and blue blankets, I educated them in a school I founded and we eventually formed an animal society on Shiznit.